But the Prospect of Killing is Still Black
by InnesDC
Summary: Harry writes of his last moments of innocence, before murder. PG13 for expressed feelings, no swears or actual murder.
1. Default Chapter

I am in pain.

There is nothing I can do.

As I write this it becomes clear.

The days have come when it is inevitable.

There is no way out.

I have no other choice.

I wish there was another way.

But I know there is not.

This may seem strange. But it is hard to explain. I have been faced with a choice that no one can understand. Not even I. Professor Dumbledore has known not what is coming. The centaurs gave me my best insight to the matter. Firenze has been a great help.

Miraculously, it seems Professor Trewlawny has been a curse and a blessing in one. She made the prophecy that said I will be killed or must kill. Voldemort's supporter heard part of it, yet Dumbledore was able to make protections to guard me.

The choice is simple. To kill, or let countless killings occur. I cannot let Voldemort go on with this madness. I have learned so much while at school. But there are three things they cannot, will not, teach us.

They are the Unforgivable Curses. The Imperius Curse is the least of my problems. And unfortunately can give me the least help. I can fight it easily, but my fear is that Voldemort can as well.

Next is the Cruciatus Curse. I'm not sure I will be able to make it work, though if I tried, if I willed it enough, remembered why I wanted him to scream, I may be able to force Voldemort to his knees, like he has made me do himself.

The third, and most unforgivable is the Killing Curse. This is the one I need. This is my weapon. Dumbledore has never needed this curse, but knows how it is used. He is my teacher now.

It was impossible before, when I didn't know Voldemort was using me. When I would get surges of anger and hate at the sight of him. When I didn't know what was happening.

I have finally mastered Occlumency. The next step is being able to use it.

_Avada Kedavra _is a very difficult curse. Harder than any other I have know. I keep reviewing them in my head, over and over. Just so I know them when the time comes. When I will need all of them. But the one I need, the one that is inevitable, is the hardest of them all to learn.

The only people who can use it properly need to have a joy of killing. A madness I will never know. I know I must kill, but I wish it were not so! This infuriates me, not having a choice!

We practice on spiders. I do not think this works very well. I have no reason to kill spiders. Every time I look at one I think of Aragog, whose only instinct was to kill humans. Who could not deny his children a meal. And I realize, no one should die. Not even random insects.

I wish there was a spell Dumbledore has to give something a seeming life that can be destroyed by only a correct killing curse. But there is not. Hermione has searched fruitlessly in books for such a spell. Her attempts have been made in vain.

I wish I have not cost her so much sleep over it. But she does not rest unless she falls asleep. I have tried to get her to stop, or at least slow down enough to rest. I would not like the fault of killing her as well, but from afar and not physically. I fear this will kill her of stress.

She finds rare books from all over the world, from the universe, and Dumbledore willingly pays for them in hopes they should provide something useful. Ron seems to think the answer will be in a simple book, one that no one bothers to read.

But the prospect of killing is still black.


	2. Watching

I lay here in my bed, waiting, watching.

I am not sure what I am watching for but still I watch.

I listen for the sound of footsteps on the spiral stair leading to the dormitory room. I cannot face my friends.

There comes a flood of thoughts while I wait. I remember vile curses. Ones I have taught, been taught, and am being taught. I think of my task. I wonder how I shall do it. Or if I will get the chance.

I can feel my heart thudding in my chest. I am truly scared. It is times like these I remember Sirius. I remember how valiantly he fought. How he would have killed Bellatrix. Like she killed him. I still do not understand how she could kill her own cousin. But going over to Voldemort could do that to a person I suppose.

The _Daily Prophet _reported the Dementors have left Azkaban this morning. This makes my reasons for learning the Killing Curse all the more urgent. I need to do something before Voldemort gets stronger. I know he needs to kill me, that no one else will be able to, and that is little comfort.

Dumbledore and I are busy devising plans to confront Voldemort. But I think I should just challenge him, instead of sneaking around.

Then I come to my senses. Things would be much easier if I crept out from a secure hiding place and killed him then. He would have no chance to kill me at all. I understand Dumbledore's reasons for secrecy.

Sometimes Dumbledore is late to our meetings. He has been conferring with the Order of the Phoenix.

Dumbledore has been looking sallow lately. But I have as well. It is overwork for Hermione and Ron and stress for the Order. Both of those reasons apply to Dumbledore and me.

Another thought occurs to me suddenly. What would it be like if Voldemort had chosen the pure-blood wizard boy, Neville? Would he still be hopeless with simple spells? I know Neville tries so hard but there is something in his mind blocking his memory and ability for spells.

Perhaps something happened for him to receive a powerful memory charm when he was young. Perhaps it was too strong for a small child and permanantly damaged his memory.

I do not know, and do not know if I ever shall.

I know I am rambling, but for some reason I feel it is important to write my last thoughts. I may die after my excursion, but if I survive, there will be no more solitude for me. Not even in my own thoughts will I be allowed to hide from my experiences. I just hope I can avoid this fate, but I know that I cannot.

Voldemort must kill me, as I must kill him. No others may do our bidding. It would be impossible for them to.

This curses me so.

There is no counter curse for what hangs over me. It is worse than any spell could make. I can survive a terrible spell, cast by a wand. But this kind of curse I cannot escape.

We live in a dark time. The centaurs have foreseen this. As they have read the stars that tell them of a war.

The war is upon us, though it is not called a war. A war is between countries, fighting for land or freedom. There is no way there can be freedom from evil. There is no fights for land ownership. Not even the whole of England is fighting. It is just the magical folk.

Someone approaches.

I am still in pain and more in misery.

But the prospect of killing is still black.


	3. Enchantments

The day is bright and sunny.

This dismays me.

I must work today.

We hope it clouds over.

Voldemort is unwilling to come to the Hogwarts Grounds.

So I must go to him.

I have stealthily stolen into Voldemort's mind without his knowing over and over. Just to watch, and see whom his company is.

He is almost never alone.

It surprises me that he has not shielded himself from me so completely as I have shielded myself.

Voldemort is in the mountains. He has gotten himself a shelter in a cave. He would call it cozy. It is rather like the Slytherin Common Room. It is cold and dank, and dark.

Dumbledore has had many wizards put many protections on me for my journey, and attack.

There are more charms and defenses on me than there is on number 12, Grimmauld Place. All the ones on number 12, are on me. I am also illusioned, enchanted, and hidden by the most powerful wizards in the world. The Ministry has been unwilling to help me, though they do believe that Voldemort is back.

It is so frustrating that they would not, they refused, so completely to believe my story of June in my fourth year, when Voldemort returned to his body.

They refused to believe, until they saw him with their own eyes. Fudge is a bumbling idiot. All his fantasies about Dumbledore creating an army against him. What foolishness. When all along Dumbledore has been forming an army to counteract Voldemort.

But the prospect of killing is still black.


	4. Adventure

I have arrived.

I am at Voldemort's residence.

I find it amazing they have not found me, as I must reek of magic.

But Dumbledore thought of that factor as well.

He put the strongest protection on me of all.

They will not be able to sense me.

They will not be able to detect the magic that has so carefully concealed me.

Right now I cannot find the words to express my thoughts.

I am patiently waiting the moment when the last follower has left his lair.

I am also recording what I hear inside the cave so I must pause often.

I fear that someone will hear the scratching of my quill on paper.

But of course, Dumbledore has dealt with that as well as everything else.

They cannot detect me.

Not from sight, sound, or smell.

I find this most peculiar.

I could be as loud as I wanted, but I still dare not.

I trust Dumbledore. I trust him with my life. Which I have actually done.

It is my natural instinct to be quiet when I am in this much danger.

The last one has left his prescence. I have looked through his eyes, even ventured into the cave.

It is time for me to attempt a murder.

It consoles me that I will not go to Azkaban.

It comforts me that I have done right, though I have been raised to know murder was a horrible crime.

It will help me to realize I will have saved many lives with the death of one man.

I must go.

I must put my quill and parchment away.

I do not know if I shall ever return.

I may never write again.

Yet if I die, my parcel of records will immediately be transferred to Dumbledore and the Order.

Voldemort will never read what I have written.

If I do not return, I want to help my friends.

I want them to know they were the most important thing in the world to me.

They were closer than any family I have never known.

They were the best family I could have.

This may help them understand.

I will not be sad when I die. I will join Sirius and my parents.

I will talk with Sirius again and meet my parents.

I will get to know them like I never could.

Voldemort will not really be killing me after all.

Death is just the next great adventure.

But the prospect of killing is still black.


End file.
